Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Is That A Bad Thing?

What is about the vaccume that gets to us? Why are we so scrared of voids? Of silences? Why is there such a premium of living a full life? What if your life is half empty? What if it is all empty, except for one glorious momment of sheer exhilaration? Is that one momment enough to redeem a half lived life? Will it make it full, complete?

I've been harping about this sneaking emptyness in my life for a while. I can't point to what is missing, but I know that somewhere, something is. The day I think I have that figured, I'm sure I'll find that there is something else that is missing. It's like this endless puzzle, this maze, that changes every other minute.

So I bury myself in work. I read till I can't keep my eyes open anymore, so that I don't have to face those nagging fears that always surface while I wait for sleep to take over. Then I have weird, broken dreams, that leave me with this strange sense of dissatisfaction when I wake up.

Happiness, said a friend once, is the easiest thing in the world. And I believed him then. I still do. But contentment? I'm not sure. They say you should have a purpose. I have one. And a good one. I have no big dreams of changing the world, I don't agonise over matters much larger than me, over which I have no control. I don't make very unreasonable demands. But I refuse to compromise. I HATE that word. If there is something that can be better, I think it should be. And so, contentment is something that does not last for me.

It's very simple, when you look at it like that. I live in a constant "what next" mode. Somehow I think I've alway lived in the furture. So much so, that the present never seems good enough. Is that a bad thing? I wish I could be sure.

What did I mean to say? What did I end up saying? There seems to be this void between those two points. Is that a bad thing?

Why this cluttered post? Because something told me to react to this.


BadMan said...

...reading that post was like reading my own thoughts... with much better clarity :)

[i]I live in a constant "what next" mode[/i].. You are my alter ego :D

Goli said...

I am glad you wrote this post. When I look back at the year that went by, there were those instance, events, where I was there. I mean in that moment. I was not thinking about what I would be doing next day or what I would have for dinner. I was just there in that moment. These moments are not necessarily party kinds, but could be as simple as playing a nice song on guitar, or reading calvin and hobbes at the street shop waiting for someone. But when you look back you cherish them. Even now when i think of them they bring lot of smiles.

And I do wish that life is full of such things/events/activities.

And when i am empty of all these, I start thinking about tomorrow, I start making plans which rarely find their way and so on.

I dont know what is good or bad, or does these things really matter. Finally now as I have started thinking I am also wondering when I grow 80 will all these things matter.

vrinda said...

ahem! ahem! and u call me the existentialist ;D

crumbs said...

@ badman,

Do I know the real you? Or are you one of those alters who refuse to come out and meet the others? :)

@ goli

"Finally now as I have started thinking I am also wondering when I grow 80 will all these things matter"

You have your feet firmly stuck in future my friend! Does it matter if it matters 80 years from now, what if the world blows up tomorrow?

But reading calvin and hobbes anywhere is a joy anyday. That's like my sure shot happy pill :)

crumbs said...

@ Vrida,

What do they say about the bad effects of "sangath" :P

Mind Curry said...

a leo who prefers to be anonymous?..now let me go read the post..

Tsu said...

It is the what next mode that keeps us all going... In the path of no hope we still have some more of it!!
Ure never alone in a vaccuum. there is YOU and the Vaccuum. Its who u let rule over the other that counts!!!

Aditya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Id it is said...

Now that was a tremendous lot of profundity in one post!

"Somehow I think I've alway lived in the furture. So much so, that the present never seems good enough. Is that a bad thing?"

Bd or good is hard to say. However, given that life is a finite set and happiness a relative state of being,the rest is not hard to figure...
Live it up TODAY!

crumbs said...

@ Mindtree,

If we're talking generalisations, then I can always agrue that I'm not really looking to be annonymous, but this another cleverly disguised way of seeking attention :D

@ tsu

"There is you and the vaccuum"...hmmmm!

@ id

Didn't really realise I was being profound, as I said, it was just a reaction.

But you're right, life is finite, and happiness is relative. So yeah, guess it depends on how we chose to do the Math :)

ScrewDriver said...

pxjruxSee ... if there is a vaccuum in your life , it either means you are moving too fast .... or too slow ( physics 101) ..and we do all have our own vaccuums

ARUN said...

the answers to questions unwordable ought not to be worded, right? thats why the hurry to frame things and master the frame. point is not that the answers elude you. nor that life will stop looking emptied of something. it's slightly - somewhat - explained by the "mirror-stage" guy. in being one with the more motor image, you wont have the sap of vigor left anymore. that incompleteness is what triggers life-force. and the respect to answers and their concealment. and as for your comment on my little piece, remember your heidegger: it shall be "passed over in silence."

crumbs said...

@ screwdriver

Trust you to get physics involved in philosophy :)

But yeah, that makes sense, but then what if you are moving at a pace of your own? Who defines too fast and too slow?

@ arun

I'm not sure I completely understand...
But then, I'm claiming that it shouldn't bother me that I don't understand right? :)

Honestly, I think if we stop bothering so much about what the answers are, and just look at the questions, we'd realise how simple things really are...then the answers would also seem obvious, and maybe unnecessary

ARUN said...

exactly so.

Anonymous said...

Happiness is over rated.. and we know it.
And yes being a perfectionist can be a pain.. you just need to find a place where ppl understand that and show that they do..
Be good

crumbs said...

@ arun


@ blindfolded

Happiness is over rated, but then so is meaning, and purpose, and everything, actually. Depends on how gives the rating I guess :)

I try to be good...but as my roomie claims, not hard enough, apparently.

ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

pointless life. routine. boring at times. work that neednt be. stocks that lack self-respect. almost bankrupt.
And I'm happy still. So.

crumbs said...

@ toothless

now you know why I call you the eternal sunshine types :)

Vinay Garg said...

Hey Man.

Few Days back i read smwhere in your blog that smetimes when you read sme blog you feel its you.

I felt today after reading this post.
Its me.
Can't explain how,what,when.But yes smethng inside me said "its me".

i wrote smethn similar in my blog.

Atergo ka funda hai kuch :)

Voids are the best thing to happen in my life.It keep me alive.
Give me a reason to live.

For those who think present in not the all,pursuit of happiness is more satisfying than the happiness itself.

After wandering all my life i come to know that my famished soul can make me content.

Go Press the Next Button :)