Thursday, February 22, 2007
I really couldn't understand what this person was trying to say really. As far as I know noone had ever predicted that in 21st century all things nasty will miraculously evaporate, to be replaced by all things sweetness and light. Or did she mean that it's surprising that even in this mean 21st century, people still suffer and give their lives for others? What, has the world become such a depressingly apathetic place, that you can't care, you are just supposed to be bothered with only yourself and your immediate world?
Perhaps I am over reacting to what might have just a carelessly nonchalant statement. Maybe she just said something for the heck of putting up a comment, but such attitude somehow irks me. I fan never been such a big fan of doomsday theories, and the life-is-so-futile-world-is-so-bad philosophies. I mean yeah okay, I ponder over the greater meaning of life, the purpose of existence, the certainity of death and all that- when I'm depressed and extremely jobless(or is it that I get extremely depressed because I think about all this??Man!!This could be the next big thing after the hen-or-chicken story).
Somehow the thing is, for all the mood swings I have and all the tantrums I throw, I reckon, I intrinsically am a die hard optimist. Deep down, that is. I like to dream. Even if the dreams are impossible ones. I think even that has a high- thinking impossible thoughts.
And resultantly(gosh, now I feel like a Economics text book), I feel there is always hope for this world. I mean, bad and all that is fine, but I still think that human beings, as a race, still stand a chance. Maybe its a very naive take to be taking (is that right language?can u take a take??). But it keeps me sane.
Denial. It was created for a reason. Might as well accept that.
Crap. I began with something and ended with something. In Tsu's famous words, (I'm quoting you a bit too much don't you think??) "I lost my thought"
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
This song has obsessively stayed in my head ever since I heard it the first time, which was i think just a few months ago in bus
Sometimes someone else's words can so completely express just what you are feeling.
So...If I gave it all....?
But the question is, what would be that one thing? The problem is, I know!
Monday, February 19, 2007
No great woman said this. I did. Something that occurred to me when I read a comment that a fellow kid put up on a friend's blog. Stuff such people man, they make me feel suffocated when I'm around them. What a way to begin your week!
Monday, February 12, 2007
I'm not sure I am fully awake as I write this. Or completely sane. I saw this in my dream. Words. These words. No people. Just a voice. A guy's voice. A voice that is vaguely familiar, but irritatingly not placeable- a voice that you'd expect from some movie's invisible narrator.
No visuals in this...only a pen writing this, and a voice.
Who was that voice? And why did it (he?) want to tell me all these? Dreams. They have always disturbed me more than they really should. Not nightmares, just dreams, weird ones. It's almost like someone is trying to tell me something, that I only half want to hear. Most of the time, I still remember them...all everything as I wake up, and then as the day moves on, finer details slipping away like sand through your fingers.
I'm no story writer, but there are certain things that make me wonder if I really am living in a movie. And if that is what these dreams are trying to tell me.
Usually I move on...but this one somehow compelled me to put it down in black and white. To actually jump off the bed, even after just 3 and a half hours of broken sleep, pull out my laptop and write it all down. Even now, I feel as though, someone else, and not me is really writing. I mean, I'm...but someone else is telling me to. Some voice. Vaguely familiar, irritatingly not placeable. The kind of voice that you'd expect to hear from a movie's invisible narrator.
Maybe its lack of sleep. Or maybe its the lack of sanity. It's happening. And surprisingly, I'm not freaking out. I'm surprised, amused. Not scared. Ah well.
After 21 (nearly 22? 21 years and 6 months anyway) of lazy existence, I'm learning a few things about myself. There are times, when I see with amazing clarity. Then it goes away to be replaced by the dirty fog again. But those few moments, those few glorious moments, when I see me, like I should be, like I want to be, are exhilarating. Maybe I'll get there...yet.
Scene one: A party. Huge, open air, bar, drinks, music and dance. Soft yellow glow of lights. People, loads of people. Drunk, dancing, high- on everything from the music to the liquor, to dope. People having a good time in a paradise, born out of utopia.
A few minutes later. The bartender is lying inert, with blood oozing out of a hole in his head. A building, blazing like a gigantic bon fire. Lights, but this time the blaze of fire. Music, dancing, liquor. People, high- on music, to liquor, to dope, to blood. People having a good time- this time swinging half head people by their toes like a pendulum. Dragging them on the ground, like rag dolls. All in the name of fighting to free a country from slavery. A paradise, born out of utopia.
The human race has this one amazing ability. To get used to almost anything. Pain, misery, death, bullets, torture. We can distance ourselves from anything. There are people who can drink, dance, and have a good time in a country that is raging with civil war. You go out to buy vegetables and you cannot be sure if you will come back safe, or a stray bullet is gonna head your way. There are no citizens there- only soldiers, rebels, the refugees. If you are not any of these, you are dead.
I thought I wouldn’t write about Blood Diamond. When I first read about it in Id’s blog, I was vaguely interested- maybe I should catch this movie. Then Prick decided he needs to take a stance on, again, I was hardly surprised, but didn’t feel the need to take a stance still. Then I saw the movie. By I knew what to expect, but yeah it still makes you sit up and take notice. But there is a whole lot of difference between sitting up and taking notice as opposed to standing up and taking action. There is only so much that a movie can do after all. Maybe it will make a few half virtuous people to stop fancying that stupid piece of rock(ah well, old rant really, I always felt that diamonds, after male superiority, are singularly the most over rated thing in this world).
But as I sat in the theatre watching that movie…none of Id’s or Prick’s words came to my head. The only thing that kept playing is, why are they killing all these people? Most, almost all, were killed just for the fun of watching them die- women, children, old people, young me. Entire villages wiped out, torched in a mad frenzy. A bunch of blindfolded kids, who are made to shoot down a gagged man. Then to ease the pain of the horrific realisation of what they did, they shoot some more. Till they reach a point where they don’t need that blindfold anymore. Till they can look into the eyes of their own fathers and point a gun at him without flinching. These people, rebels, soldiers, they were not fighting a war, they were not making a point, unless the point was “We stop at nothing, we are dead inside”But in the middle of this madness, there still are people, who run around fighting to get their story out. There are people who dream of making their son a doctor. There are people, who have known it all, seen it all, and who dream of getting out of it all one day. And who’d give anything for that. And try and desperately rationalise that with, “It’s not war, it’s just business”. Then some, who don’t feel the need to rationalise. They sell the guns to the rebels, along with cds of Baywatch. Diamonds for guns. The “service providers”. “The world wants what we have to offer, we just get it to them”. The big guys in big cities, who walk around in crisp suites and fancy cars. The ones who buy these diamonds and store them away in deep coffers, knowing it stinks of blood. Then the puppet masters, who convince little kids that this is a crusade, and that in this world that does not give them the respect they deserve, but you need to take that. And how do you do that? With guns.
As long as guns and money are a part of somebody’s business, as long as terrorism is an industry, it will survive. As long as there are takers, there will be service providers. This is no holy war. There never has been such a thing. Its just simple rules of the market. Demand and supply. The “A” of TIA can be easily replaced with Is and Ps and Vs. Its all the same.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
One hell of a bad day I was having. Nothing disastrous, just one of those days in college when everything goes wrong and nothing goes right, your friends don’t understand you, your lecturers are mean, and the human race in general is not just mind bogglingly stupid, but is also on an out and out war with you. You know the kinds when the world and everything beyond just pulls you down.
At the end of a naggingly irritating day at college, I went in the evening to meet another friend. Ranted my heart out to him. Didn’t really help though. When I left, my mood was really really unhappy. I was walking back home, and I had to cross through Forum. Now malls are one place that I always was a fascinating place for people watching (NOT the same as bird watching). You meet all kinds- the rich, the not-so-rich, and the most interesting, wanna-look-rich. But that day I really couldn’t care less. I was too bothered my own set of borrowed problems to be worried about all that just then.
Then I saw this dude. Cute li’l chap, must be all of three years old perhaps. Dude had this tetrapack of Frooti in his hand, and was struggling with all this two feet nothing might, to push a stubborn straw into the packet, and finding that it ain’t the as easy as he thought it should be. His mom offered to help, but our man, staunchly refused. After all what’s a puny li’l straw to question his super baby might?
Then he looked up to see me looking at him with extremely amused eyes. I couldn’t help smiling at that tiny bundle of cute resolve. In return, the dude gave me the most spontaneous, and genuinely happy smile that I ever saw. That moment, that smile, made me feel so innocently happy, something that no amount of talking, counselling, philosophising, and ranting could manage. Looking at that kid, his happy smile, made my heart feel so light, all those things that were nagging me seemed so not worth it. Sure if he were some another two decades older, he’d have probably thought I was linemaorfying him. But right now, for him life was really simple. He saw someone smile at him, and he smiled back. He had his worries to handle (he was in the middle of the battle with the straw, remember?), but he had his fundas clear. Smile for a smile. As simple as that.
Sometimes I think, as we are born with the knowledge of pretty much everything that we need- to live to be happy. Then our whole life we spend in unlearning that, and then feeling all lost in the search of answers. Tsu recently said, if you can’t find the answers, its probably because you are not asking the right questions. Makes sense huh?
Happiness. It’s such a weird thing. All our life, we keep running after it, while it is all the while waiting in a mall, fighting a stubborn straw. :)
Statutory Warning: Lots of giggleing and Girl Talk ahead. Thou are warned. Proceed at your own Peril
Conversation had over gtalk. Undisclosed time, undisclosed location, and definitely undisclosed her. This is a work of fiction. But then what fiction is afterall a mere shadow of reality. Any resemblence to any person dead is absolutely unintentional. The living, of course is a different matter. All the author wishes to say is conveyed in one Cranberries' song- In Your Head!:P
Her: i have been meanin to talk to u for eons man
Me: eons and all huh
jus read ur mail
certified!u re in love
no two ways about it gurl
Her: i cant be
i have to get outta it
Me: lady, y working so hard to get outta it before u even fell into it completely
Her: cuz i dont wanna fall in to it
he is not that type
cant believe we re having this conversation
i mean i can believe we are having this conversation, but somehow we BOTH seem to be on the wrong side
Me: u re saying things that i said for 3 freakkin years n i'm saying what u said for three freakkin years!!!!
i mean we should stop takin each other very seriously
what do u say
Me: when did the world do this flip thingy??no one told me!!!!
Her: he he he
he he he it jus happened
Me: seriously man
now i'm freakking out
Me: do u reckon i changed way too much after u left?
last time u told me that, n i ve been thinking of that ever since
Her: not much
i like u this way
Me: yeah?shit man
this way is whc way???
Her: the lighter side of moontalk
lil optimistic about love
Me: tee hee
ha har har
why are u blushing man
who said anything bout blushing???
Her: he he he
...(means there's stuff that you dont need to know)
*Now begins the real Story*
Her: shit man
he gives so many signs
Her: stufid boys
Me: tee hee
so y dont u ask him
Me: that i'll knock the stuffing outta him
Her: that will kinda complicate things
he he he
Me: then u can say u were bluffing
Her: i am not doing it anymore
he he he
he is a very
Me: :D add a li'l insult to injury
Her: so mean!!!
Me: he's a very?
Her: hmm he cannot express himself
what he feels
Her: in words
Me: want me to talk to him and giv him some tips
i can do that for u
Her:he he he
Her: but then he tries so hard and tells me certain things
Me: UH HUH
Her: this is endearing
Me: wat certain things will that be????
Her: we were
Me: wat happened to "protect urself" n "he's not my type" and "naaaahhh"
Her: he he he
Me: WOMAN!!!who u kidding??????
Her: he he he
once i asked
what if u like someon
he said he wont tell her and if he keeps quiet it will go away after sometime
so if he is actually talkin to me thins much i am sure he doesnt have tht feeeling for me u know
Me: and u started believing wats guys say bout their feelings since when????
Her: he he he
Me: c'mon da!if he likes u, he's hardly gonna answer that question honstly
Her: no we were having a real serious conv that day
Me: i mean, we re talking GUYS and FEELINGS here
Her: he he heh
Me: uh hmmm
Her: ure so cute yea moontalk
Her: full emotions coming out
Me: lets not deviate here okay!!!
Her: he he he
na i like the deviation
Me: yeah yeah
from him being "endearing" i ve become "cute"
Her: yeah yeah yea
thats wat this is all bout
Me: u dont use language like that otherwise!!!!
i use cute and all
endearin new word learnt today
i used it in a sentence
Me: i'm sure if u learn flibertigibet today u'd use that in the next given opportunity too
he he he :)
Me: yeah yeah
Her: i could go on talkin about him
*yep, she's not in love. Absolutely NOT*
*Now, whats the point of having friends if you can't blackmail them bout their love lifes???*
Me: u kw wat, i'm gonna post this on the blog and send him the link
these guys are stupid
i stop here
i have made a decision
and this is not like any stupid ones
u re afterall a strong independant woman *she is, she really is*
Her: i am gonna give life a chancebut this whole thin g is that
i am seriously saying
Me: okay okay
Her: :) ;-/
Me: seriously say
i don wanto get in to anymore messes where i have NO SAY
what shit yea
sometimes i need to be in the place wher i can take decisions na
Me: dude da, not gonna happen
all said n done u will feel just what u don wanna feel
Me: see if tch tch worked, then i'd be falling in love with someone else na
y am i bother bout this sad chap who perhaps more fucked up in the head than i am???
cuz ure stupid
Me: yeah okay then!!!
n what ar u????
Her: he he he
Her: my point exactly
il tke it as it comes i guess
Me: go with the flow huh?
i wanto make noises
that icant type
Me: okay....(ermmmm...wat was I supposed to say to that???!!!)
Me: u kw that sentence came out all weird right
Her: nothing kinky
*and thus spake the wise one*
still kids we all are!
Me: tee hee
its all about relative maturity for the momment i guess
i guess for every age we will be young
Me: oh my
there's a thought!
Her: he he he
Me: need to leave now
(And then in typical gal fashion, we proceed to talk for another 20 mins, before I finally got my sorry ass outta the office!
Now, I'm gonna go underground for about 4 years so that the lady in question cannot hunt me down and chop me into tiny li'l pieces of vulture dinner. Ta People! Pray for my soul. And please, tell her she's in love!)