Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Me Myself and Moi again- Everybody says I'm not fine

Ohhh, if there’s one thing I hang onto,
It gets me through the night.
I aint gonna do what I don’t want to,
Im gonna live my life.
Shining like a diamond, rolling with the dice,
Standing on the ledge, show the wind how to fly.
When the world gets in my face,
I say, Have A Nice Day.
Have A Nice Day

From the posts that I ve been putting up, everyone seems to be thinking that I'm going through a major depression cycle.

Well, can't really say that this is the happiest time of my life, but its not sad either. In fact it's mostly good. Just that sorrow always affects yoy more than happiness does, isn't it.
Our misfortunes are more easily counted than our blessings.

I never have claimed that I was sane. Or not weird. Some kid once told me that I'm the happiest person she knows. My best friend thinks I'm quite moody. One of my teachers has told me that I should be a little less serious. Someone told me that I'm very laconic. Others think that I cannot shut up for long enough.

I'm a bundle of contradictions. There are a lot of things that I believe...things that I hold on to. And I've realised, more than once, that if I pitt all these things against eah other, most of them will just cancel each other out. That has never bothered me...the fact that I belive in contradictory ideas. And this one fact that I dont have to reason myself out, has kept me sane. Or whatever semblence of sane.

I'm not too emotional, in the sense, I'm not the one to proclaim my love from roof tops. My crushes last all of a month. They never grow into anything serious quite simply because I refuse to let them control me. If there is someone for whom I feel something for, and that other person does not reciprocate it, I'm not gonna pine away for that. Maybe that's why I never fall in love.

But I do get hurt. Pretty easy. But I get over it too. I don't let that spoil my life for more than 2 days at a strech...okay maybe a week. Again, my best friends disagrees. She says that I never let go. Okay so I dont. When ever something goes wrong, I always see a parallel. So? I can't change the past. I don't try to, just simply coz I don't want to. But I don't let the past pull me down. If a friend walks out on me, I don't feel miserable thinking what we had, and what it's become now. I can think back and appreciate, and feel happy bout what we had, while not feeling let down, angry or depressed. This, for 'you know who' and SK.

I don't regret anything in my life. NOTHING. The gud, bad, the crazy, beautiful, all are just as welcome memories, moments. I can move past anything...friends walking out of my life, me walking out of theirs, losing, winning, the whole deal. But I never let go anything that has been a part of my life. Something, someone that/who once enters my mind, stays. It, they become a part of me. Period.

When I depressed, I write stuff like this. But then I may also write stuff like this. If one post of mine funny (ok attempt at funny) the next may be depressed.

So I've a split personality. As someone said, "You got a problem, precious?"

Breaking news

Li'l Prince's ordeal became national news. For the weekend, the whole county was holding on to the progress in Kurkshethra. Every news channel worth its salt was there, every newspaper was right on it. Forwards on mails, sms, the whole deal.

Are we so starved for human drama? It reminded me of this short story BU put in our Eng. Lit syllabus. This story was of this one story of a kid, a gal, who's stuck in quick sand in an area struck with earthquake. And of a journalist, as he stays by her side for 3 days, waiting for the govt. to do something to save her. And then slowly watch her die...

This time it was more of a happier ending...n I'm really glad that it is. But really makes me wonder if we are so starved of suffering like this...

Any news guy would tell u that this makes excellent TV. A poor young kid, stuck in a horrific scene, battling for life n death, and all that jazz. Bumbling officials, weeping parents, the whole deal. And a nation hooked. Human interest story...the question is, which human are we talkiing bout here?

Friday, July 21, 2006

"I like to get drenched in the rain because people don't realise that I'm actually crying.... "
-Charlie Chaplin

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

What am I turning into?

One of the hardest things you can do is to let a friend go. Harder than that perhaps is walking away from someone who once had been your friend.

I did both today. Or perhaps, it happened long ago. I just realised it today. N I don't feel a thing.

I'm going that weird sort of numbness that I had worked so hard to get out of.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things refuse to be worked out. Sometimes, you have to let go. So I did. Not because I didnt care. But because I wanted to be able to look back without having a bad taste in my mouth. I didn't want it to end with a fight. I didnt want it to end in way that I will never be able to think of him as a friend again. So I ended my own terms.

I'm being selfish. But then, I always have been. I had to preserve my sanity. For what I don't know. But isn't it better to end it, rather than let it rot and die?

You stay friends with some people. No matter what they make you go through. No matter what you make them go through. N then, there are those, with whom you just cannot stay friends. No matter how much you try. No matter how much they try. Is there any point in pretending you can still be friends when you are sure you can't? It's one of those things....

When do you decide it's time to end a friendship? When you have a sneaking feeling that it never really began...or so I read somewhere, sometime back. Think it was in Reader's Digest. Really?

Woke up with an empty feeling. Should have known.

Don't bother bout this post. It's just ramblings of a schizophrenic mind