Sunday, March 30, 2008

If I Traded It All...

Him: Didn't see you at the bday party
me: was wrestling with an assignment
still am
Him: won or lost?
me: the battle's stil on...
the tragedy of my life is that i cannot work unless it is the 11th hour
and what's worse, i even wait for 11.55 to start
Him: Join the bandwagon!
me: seems like i'm joining too many of them
yesterday it was the league of failure psychotherapy patients
today, it is the cronic last minute maniacs
i think i need to stop, introspect, and then decide that its all a play of maya, and go to himalayas to meditate
Him: Well, you have to take the most favourite thing along and abandon it there!
Ready for the deal? That is how they do it
me: hmmmm
for that i'll have to make up my mind about what my favourite thing is
Him: true true
what is it, if I may ask?
me: i cant even decide if my fav colour is, earthy brown, olive green or the grey of rain clouds, u expect me to know what my fav thing is???!

When one is bowed down by assignments, and a sneaking suspicion that one has a suppressed masochistic alter that is threatening to come out, straining at the tight chords of self importance fueled by years of inane education and an insipid life, these conversations at 3.30 in the morning make perfect sense. In fact, they are sustenance.

But when one reflected on the question at a saner hour in the day, and with an insaner state of existence, one realized the depth of that seemingly innocent question.

"Well, you have to take the most favourite thing along and abandon it there! Ready for the deal?"

Is one ready to give up one's favourite thing as a price of calm in a cold wilderness? But then, what IS one's favourite thing? The first picture that comes is one's parents...but one already compromised their love and their dreams for one, so that one could pursue a career that one loved, and they mistrusted. So that career then? But then, one suddenly realises that one has compromised one's career so that one could do what one's parents, that is putting it decided to walk on the bridge's edge...choosing to risk a hurtle down to that colourless abyss, at a single mis-step than take the safe path to compromised life. So then, what is one's favourite thing?

When one was a kid, someone one asked, what is the one thing that you'd take if you were to go to a different planet to live. Without much hesitation, one answered one's diary. But then came the rain that flooded the memories and washed away all the episodes of one's recorded life and one wondered if that was a sign. So one "set the Polaroids afire, and burnt half one's brain". So what now?

Sigh. The funny thing about life is, the most difficult questions are the most simplest ones. Your favourite is asked that question all the time, one answers that question all the time...but does one really, truly ever know for sure? What is one's favourite thing...that thing that one would die for, maybe even kill for. What is the one thing that one won't trade?

Then one realised...

If one had that kind of self-realisation, one wouldn't have to go to himalayas then. If one had all the answers, one wouldn't be alive. There would be nothing to live for

So is one ready for the, not yet. One still has to chose between rain clouds and soap bubbles...


vrinda said...

u r right...the simplest questions in life require the toughest answers...nice post

Tsu said...

dont cha DARE say Coffee!!! ;-) the sentence which said clouds and soap bubbles blew me away!!!
Choices choices and choices is all what we have and feel we have none to choose! irooonnyy!

Anand Sarolkar said...

Absolutely perfect! If One has the answer to that question one need not go to the Himalayas.

Goli said...

Well, I was reading your post and I was asking my self what is my favorite thing, and I was thinking about chocolates and my writing pad. This is just what comes to mind first, and now if I apply logic then I keep getting confused. So I guess the trick is where does the mind go first.

Swathi said...

heh heh.

ARUN said...

dont know if you read at my blog. but this post gets me back one of my first poetry posts there, which ended with: "the silliest illusions are the hardest to lose".
it's a pleasure to find overlapping thought-circles :)

crumbs said...

@ vrinda

thanks :)

@ tsu

there is a dearth of coffee and conversation in my life. Aren't u the one who used to live by the rules of "you are who you choose to be"

@ anand


@ goli

the trick is that the mind goes to the easiest solution first...but think of it this way, if you could retain only one thing in your life, would that be chocolates?

@ swati,
oh hello! is that an "i was here" type thingy? :D i can't access ur profile...

@ arun

haven't read that one...should go back and dig it up though.
you're right's always a pleasure to find "overlapping thought circles"...and I love the way you describe certain things :)

Tsu said...

why on earth are you quoting me??? at a time when I have forgotten what I used to say!!! siiggghhh!!!
time to get back to being me!

ARUN said...

did you dig up that poem? click on the label 'narcissus' to make it easier.

crumbs said...

@ tsu,

thought I'd remind you, in case you forgot :P
dude...we are all fragments of people we once where

@ arun,

yes I did follow the link :) and left you a question there, did you see it yet?

Prude said...

I had once thought I wouldn't trade my self respect for the name of love I've had to re-think some of my beliefs.

There's too much to learn about oneself. I do know one thing though...when you make a choice and if given one more chance you would make the same choice again then whatever u gave up or traded in making that choice wasn't a sacrifice...its just taught you once again what you value more. And then once again and again...

I think one would go to the himalyas anyway even if one had the answer to that would go looking for an answer to the quandrary the knowledge of knowing will bring...

I think for as long as we shall live we will always have reason to go to the himalyas...infact secretly I think we all go everyday.

The mind is a fascinating traveler.

blindfolded said...

.. am going to the himalayas in June
;) just thought i'll let you know

crumbs said...

@ prude

that's neatly put :)

and yes, I agree that mind is a fascinating traveler...very.

@ Blindfold

Ain't I glad you told me. Show off :P
But you may have the ticket, as prude said, I have my mind. And er...National Geographic :D

ARUN said...

i saw that. good query :)

Id it is said...

'One still has to chose between rain clouds and soap bubbles...'

Remarkable thought crumbs; they make one rethink and reconfigure some of our dearest choices.

Yet, this last one is a relatively easy choice between 'rain clouds' and 'soap bubbles'; the former holding a certain degree of promise and the latter a definite ephemeral. Wouldn't we all opt for the former?

Pardon me if I sound critical but I so loved your line of thought that the last bit bothered me enough that I had to make this comment

ScrewDriver said...

The whole problem is about choice ain't it ??
So what is our most fav thing ?
contrary to everyone liking the rain clouds and soap bubbles it was the next line which made the difference
"There are voices in my head ...... "
I think thats the most fav thing one can have ... the voice in the head. Thats something even i will never part with even if i go to the himalayas.
I guess i havent made much sense, but your blog sure made me think !

Me Thinks.. said...

My favourote thing is ME! I dont think I need anyone else on the other planet.. Cos I believe, I do things to make me happy..and everyone wants to be happy!!! Our favourite things are what make us happy, so if its soap bubbles for you, then it is!

So my favourite thing would be me!
I love the Himalaya thought, would love to go there once atleast, irrespecetive of the reason!

crumbs said...

@ arun,

I think it's become conversation now =)

@ id

If anything I wrote bothered anyone enough for them to counter agrue, I'll take that as a compliment :)

don't soap bubbles and rain clouds have the same ephemeral quality? and in that, don't they have the same beauty?

@ screwdriver

adding to wat I said to id, if what I wrote made you think, my purpose is served :)
voices in my head...but when they start screaming, you feel trapped inside your own head. not fun. =/

@ me thinks

narcisist, I think is the term you are looking for, megalomaniac could be another :D
but seriously, going by your logic, you'll have to leave your self at the Himalayas...would you still be happy? If you can leave your self in the Himalayas, and still be happy, is there any point in loving yourself so?

WandereR said...

Some of the simplest thoughts you have put down here. One keeps comfortably eluding from such questions. The hardest wuestions to answer are usually the simplest ones.
Dropped in here long ago, it just took me some time to comment on your blog.

crumbs said...

@ wanderer

hey, nice of you to come back :)
and I completely agree with you...if those questions were easy to answer, we wouldn't keep running away from them I guess!