Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Me Myself and Moi again- Everybody says I'm not fine

Ohhh, if there’s one thing I hang onto,
It gets me through the night.
I aint gonna do what I don’t want to,
Im gonna live my life.
Shining like a diamond, rolling with the dice,
Standing on the ledge, show the wind how to fly.
When the world gets in my face,
I say, Have A Nice Day.
Have A Nice Day

From the posts that I ve been putting up, everyone seems to be thinking that I'm going through a major depression cycle.

Well, can't really say that this is the happiest time of my life, but its not sad either. In fact it's mostly good. Just that sorrow always affects yoy more than happiness does, isn't it.
Our misfortunes are more easily counted than our blessings.

I never have claimed that I was sane. Or not weird. Some kid once told me that I'm the happiest person she knows. My best friend thinks I'm quite moody. One of my teachers has told me that I should be a little less serious. Someone told me that I'm very laconic. Others think that I cannot shut up for long enough.

I'm a bundle of contradictions. There are a lot of things that I believe...things that I hold on to. And I've realised, more than once, that if I pitt all these things against eah other, most of them will just cancel each other out. That has never bothered me...the fact that I belive in contradictory ideas. And this one fact that I dont have to reason myself out, has kept me sane. Or whatever semblence of sane.

I'm not too emotional, in the sense, I'm not the one to proclaim my love from roof tops. My crushes last all of a month. They never grow into anything serious quite simply because I refuse to let them control me. If there is someone for whom I feel something for, and that other person does not reciprocate it, I'm not gonna pine away for that. Maybe that's why I never fall in love.

But I do get hurt. Pretty easy. But I get over it too. I don't let that spoil my life for more than 2 days at a strech...okay maybe a week. Again, my best friends disagrees. She says that I never let go. Okay so I dont. When ever something goes wrong, I always see a parallel. So? I can't change the past. I don't try to, just simply coz I don't want to. But I don't let the past pull me down. If a friend walks out on me, I don't feel miserable thinking what we had, and what it's become now. I can think back and appreciate, and feel happy bout what we had, while not feeling let down, angry or depressed. This, for 'you know who' and SK.

I don't regret anything in my life. NOTHING. The gud, bad, the crazy, beautiful, all are just as welcome memories, moments. I can move past anything...friends walking out of my life, me walking out of theirs, losing, winning, the whole deal. But I never let go anything that has been a part of my life. Something, someone that/who once enters my mind, stays. It, they become a part of me. Period.

When I depressed, I write stuff like this. But then I may also write stuff like this. If one post of mine funny (ok attempt at funny) the next may be depressed.

So I've a split personality. As someone said, "You got a problem, precious?"


Tsu said...

u oxyMORON!!!
there are alotta statements and the way u feel and the final action tht stems outta those feelings that re completely different... how much ever u say certain things don affect u the only proof tht is does IS this post. if u were'nt bothered u wnt be writin them down!!!
but lik u said everyone is entitled to feel two ways... gotta problem precious???

pRicky said...

i second what dear T says but i was wondering when i would get a mention in your fantastic blog space.
hard to say what my reaction was but it was near fatal panic.
u r k, u r doing well for urself.
like i know from personal experience i know u r qiute the Rani Laxmi Bai but quite endearing that.

Me Thinks.. said...

i third that!! u wrote cos u felt for all these saying it doesn affect u,u r just saying how strongly it does. Finally someone mentioned pricky in their blog!! he he
@pricky u happy now?!

moontalk said...

people people!
i beg to disagree :D
i didnt sy it doesnt affect me, what i said that i dont let it disrupt me life like certain people do. i can live with it...the fact that it affects me. i write bout it in the blog, or just talk to myself bout it(!) n then let it be. i dont work myself to a cronic depression, unlike, ahem, certain people i knw.:P

pRicky said...

a despecible under the belt assault.
and anyways noone lets aomeone walking out on them disrupt their lives.
@MT: Mean Madrasi

Arun Pillai said...

seems this post's gotta private tag line.moreover i hardly get time to think or appreciate of all those dat happened in my past,so better i say "No Comments"

moontalk said...

@ pricky
yeah right!:P
@ arun
shld i say no comments too? :D

ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

i've never been able to understand the female thought process at all.. (you cant say i havent tried..)
but this seems to make sense to me..and i think i know what you're talking about here..
my closest friends tell me i'm an unfeeling creature, while every one else tells me i'm a bleddy esglamation..
and what do i think? i think i'm neither.
i think it's just that when it comes to your closest ones,there is no pretence required.
With love, with displeasure, with depression..
with the rest of the world, it's a different story..
And i think that is the way it has to be.

moontalk said...

@ toothless wonder
dunno if thats the way it has to be or not, but i guess, most of the time it naturally IS that way...perhaps we dont consciously try to be different, its just that different people make us react in different manners...n d the difference in reactions make us diff people in front of them...dunno if that made sense!!
n bout u not understanding the female thought process, i'm sure u ve a lot of company there.(!)
and as u understanding wat i said regardless...well what can i say...i'm quite honoured, or wateva (!) :D

ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

though it took me a while to figure THAT out.. heh heh

mathew said...

Lol!!..u are trying to leave the reader confused about yourself..
guess its not about being depressed..its just that you are not sure about yourself!!

neways it was some nice frank talking!!! ;)

moontalk said...

@ toothless :D
@ mathew
damn!u let my the secret plan out now!!!:D