Sunday, September 14, 2008

I'm Not Back From the Dead. Yet...

I'm writing after some 4 odd months. That's the longest I have not written since I got this blog going. Sheesh. This feels so weird...not getting back to writing, that's the only thing that has ever been normal for me, but this whole can't write-won't write thing.

It has been one of the weirdest four months of my life. I was at home for three months between May and July. Came back to campus beginning of August, and it has been one thing after the other.

I'm not sure I have ever felt this...I don't even know what to call this feeling...disturbed? unhappy? I wouldn't really call it sad, because there is no sorrow to speak of...only this perpetual lack of joy. And since I always considered myself an essential optimist, these past few weeks, were I guess particularly difficult. I often complained of being stuck in a kind of limbo where nothing much happens...the past few weeks has been just the opposite. There has been LOTS that's happening, everyday there is something new.

So I should be happy right? Then why am I so deeply not? Maybe because even with all this happening, there hardly has been anything to look forward to...the there-is-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-but-it's-a-train kind of situation. Only it doesn't sound so funny, when it actually happens to you.

Try as I might, I cannot like this place, with pseudo-liberal, pseudo-modern atmosphere. As an academic space, this is perhaps the most double-faced environment that I can imagine. But then, maybe all academic spaces are like that? But it still does not cease to amaze me how people can say one thing, while meaning something completely different. Guess what I miss is a certain purity of purpose.

I know what my more "academically inclined" friends would tell me now. That there is nothing called purity of purpose. That it is just a romantic construct, that is at best wishful and at worst delusional. Somehow, I still cannot quite agree. Maybe it is that optimist-at-heart thing again.

The long and short of it has been that I cannot imagine the last time I was truly happy, or the last time I laughed a wholehearted, carefree laugh, or the last time I felt honest, or true.

It's murky. It all murky. And I'm stuck right at the center of it.

6 comments:

Goli said...

"Maybe because even with all this happening, there hardly has been anything to look forward to..." this is so true, More than the amount of things I do or i dont do, I think the one thing that keeps me going is the stuff that I look forward to, which could just be a movie outing planned, or a guitar class, or just looking forward to meet some close friend. :D.

Cheers, and hope to see lot more from you on blogger. :D

Lash said...

fair enough. What you could probably do is whine, whine and whine till the time people stop listening to you, till the point when all these murky developments appear normal and till the time you find "whining" itself more boring than anything else. That's is when you are filled with a voidness and the lack of meaning in everything around helps you look at things with a calrity. Like Don Juan says in Castenada's book "When everyting around you appear ambigous and are beyond your comprehension, start contemplating suicide, it brings in Clarity". Therefore, the solution is - contemplate suicide, but never commit!

jinxed said...

For the first time you have unleashed the true Sneha I have come to know - without any sense of being conscious of the politically incorrect in all of us.
I like it that way... always.

Tsu said...

I have been waiting for months (like u counted 4) to see something written by you and here it is.

I understand why u havent written for long, you were at home!

and I think u need to pull ureself together till ure course gets done and please get outta there!!!

And fyi, this is how greatness is born, boredom, hypocricy and blah! :) Chrs

crumbs said...

@ goli
I couldn't agree more, I guess we all need something to keep us going. We are all optimists at heart, aren't we? =)

And I hope to see more of me on blogger too. I missed this!

@ lash
wow, aren't we being cheerful? =/
But, suppose there is some truth in what you are saying. Whenever I think of suicide, it seems such a tedious thing to do that, I figure I might as well live

@ jixed

er...okay.

@ tsu

boredom, hypocrisy, abd blah. think I should start an export business with these, there is so much surplus here :D

maverick said...

as usual..wishing to hug a stranger? oh u were at home..no wonder i check ur blog and find nothing new..u still complain of the high charges and slow speed of internet in mallu land?
cheers
u know who